Barry Burton doesn't deserve any BS
by BarryBurtonDoesn'tDeserveAnyBS
Summary: I'm kin with Barry Burton and I decided to share memories I have and memories I remember in the future. I have two lives as Barry which in each chapter I'll say which the memory comes from. If you have a problem that I'm kin then just read this as a short collection of stories. This summary probably sucks and my writing skills probably suck too but they are funny memories.
1. chapter 1

Me and the rest of the Alpha team was returning to our cars after dealing with a hostage situation and no one got hurt. I just got made it to my car when Captain Wesker stopped and looked at Jill. He lifted his sunglass a bit then put them back down.

"Valentine you look like a three cent hoe." Captain said then continue walking to his car

I looked at Jill who looked like she was going to murder Wesker but luckily before she could go after him Wesker pulled away. Jill got into the car with Chris and I got into mine then looked at Joseph.

"Did Captain really say that?" Joseph asked

"Going by how angry Jill is yes he did." I reply starting the car

"Jill's going to kill him." Joseph states

"Most likely." I agree then I follow Chris back to the station.

When we get there Jill went on a warpath to the squad room and we all quickly followed behind her, well Brad was behind us as a barrier between him and Jill. When we get there Wesker isn't there but his sunglasses are on his desk. Jill goes over to his desk and grabs his sunglasses and throws them so hard at the wall that they stick.

"Holy shit!" Chris exclaims

I rush over to Jill who gives me a death glare, instantly I put my hands up.

"Easy Jill I'm just going to move the flag." I quickly explain

To my luck Jill stops and I quickly push in my chair then I grab the United States flag and I return to the others on the other side of the room.

"Try not to break the TV!" Chris cries

Jill flips Wesker's desk over and breaks it into two and just started to destroy Wesker's stuff but she doesn't touch the stuff hanging on the walls like the phone of both S.T.A.R.S. teams. Brad ran out of the room. When Jill finished we all just stood there and Jill went into the locker room. A couple of minutes after Jill left Wesker walks in and we part so he could see the damage.

"Valentine did this?" Wesker asks

"Yes sir." We reply

Wesker nods and pulls his sunglasses out of the wall. Next thing any of us knows Chris has Wesker shoved against a wall.

"Why the fuck did you say that to her!" Chris shouts

I watch as Joseph join but I stay back because I don't need to yell because Wesker already knows how angry I am at him.

"Alright everyone just sit down, Burton come with me." Wesker orders sternly

"Yes sir." I reply

I follow Captain to the female locker room where he knocks. The door is opened by Rebecca.

"Is Jill in there?" Wesker asks

All of a sudden there's a loud smack and next thing I know Wesker's head is turned to the side and there's a handprints on his cheek. Standing there next to Rebecca is Jill and they both had red hands. I back away as Wesker rights his head. I see that Jill has been crying.

"I deserved that. Rebecca please return to your squad room." Wesker orders

Rebecca was about to protest but I give her a look and she nods then goes to the Bravo team squad room. I motion for the two into the briefing room. I let them go in first then I walk in and close then lock the door. I just now notice that Jill is wearing her long sleeved shirt and pants that she keeps in her locker, she has her arms crossed.

"I'm sorry Jill for calling you a three cent hoe that wasn't a professional thing to say nor was it a very nice thing to say to a lady." Wesker apologizes

Jill keeps silent. Wesker carefully hugs Jill.

"I'm so very sorry." Wesker repeats

Jill looks at me and I understand what she wanted to say. If I told the others what she was about to do then she, Rebecca and my wife would put me through hell. I nod to Jill. Jill wraps her arms around Wesker and to my surprise breaks down but I know it's not sadness it's the rest of her anger because Jill starts hitting Wesker who takes the hits.

"Try not to bruise him too much we still have to carry those supplies in." I quietly remind Jill

Jill takes a few more swings at Wesker before stopping, she then rests her head on Wesker's chest and takes deep breaths to calm down.

'Wesker should be lucky that letting Jill listen to a heart beating helps calms her down faster or we would have to walk on eggshells with her for the rest of the day.' I think to myself

After a couple of minutes Jill removes her head and Wesker reaches into his pocket and removes some tissues then he hands them to Jill who takes them. Jill wipes her face and when she's down Wesker holds out a hand. Jill takes it and I know what passes between them because it passes between each of us to the Captain, it's trust and the promise to have the other's back.

They let go and turn to me and I open the door. We walk back to our squad room and on the way there Wesker pulls another pair of sunglasses out of his many pockets on his vest and puts them on. When we get back to the squad room Jill helps clean up her mess after reassuring Chris that she's okay.


	2. chapter 2

*Beep beep*

I stare at Captain Wesker laying in a hospital bed.

"Hey I think he's waiting up!" Jill cries out

"I'll go get them doctor." Joseph says walking out the door

Wesker opens his eyes and instantly Chris tenses up. Wesker looks at Chris and I see relief in the man's eyes.

"You okay?" Wesker asked with a slurred voice from the pain medication

Chris doesn't respond so Wesker moves his free arm and touches Chris's hand.

"I'm okay Captain." Chris chokes out

Joseph walks back into the room with the doctor.

"You shouldn't even be awake yet and you should be in a lot of pain still. I'm going to knock you back out." The doctor says

Wesker flicks his gaze over to her and opens his mouth.

"Naw bitch I'm fine." Wesker replies

The doctor freezes then shakes her head and continues with her exam, she leaves the room when she's done.

"Captain!" Jill screeches

I just shake my head amused. Wesker gives a small grin then pulls Chris into a hug.

"Calm down Chris." Wesker tells him soothingly

Chris carefully hugs Wesker and starts to do deep breaths to calm down.

"I can't believe he said that to the doctor." Jill says

"It's Captain Wesker so why are you surprised?" I chuckle

Jill shakes her head but she has a smile on her face.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm doing my work when I started to fall asleep but I was woken to Wesker yelling my last name, after making my vision not blurry I turn around a bit in my seat so I could see him.

"Tired Burton?" Wesker asked

"Yes. Sorry sir Moria is sick and she was up all night throwing up due to her medicine not working and she didn't want to be alone on the couch so she asked me to stay with her, you know how everything is scary in the dark for kids. I stayed up with her until she fell asleep." I explain to him

"Take a hour nap before you completely mess up your paperwork." Wesker told me and I knew he meant it.

"Yes sir." I replied

I put my papers back into their folder then into my drawer on my right. I moved my pen and I put my right arm on top of my left and I put my head down and fell asleep.

I was woken up by Wesker once again but I got back to work. I don't know how much time went by but Jill called my name so I looked up at her.

"Sorry to disturb you while you're working but I had emailed my one friend who got a recipe from her grandmother that will help ease Moria's stomach and help her sleep." Jill told me holding out a piece of paper

I took it then looked down at what was written down, I looked back at Jill.

"Thank you Jill, I'll try this if her medicine doesn't work again." I reply with a smile

Jill smiled back then got back to work. I folded the paper twice and stuck it into my pocket then got back to work.


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter is going to be done differently.**

I don't remember what was going on but there was a party at S.T.A.R.S. and we was encouraged to bring our family. So I brought my wife and kids. Moria took a liking to Wesker and she started to ask him questions like any child would. Moria got frustrated that Wesker wouldn't take off his sunglasses so she lifted them a bit then let them go and said this:

"Wesker you have pretty eyes!"

Wesker chuckled and smiled at her then said:

"Thank you little Burton."

I left the two and went to go talk to people. By the end of the party I went to go looking for Moria since my wife had Polly and I found Moria asleep on Wesker. Jill got a picture and I saved my Captain from my sleeping child but after I got done speaking to him Moria woke up and said sleepily:

"Bye Albert."

Wesker said bye and I carried Moria to the van.


	5. Chapter 5

**This has some smexy in it so here's your warning.**

I had brought back the other members of the Alpha Team to my house after a trip to the bar in celebration of something. Jill got the couch while Brad and Joseph got the two recliners. Wesker and Chris got the pull out bed couch. In the morning I checked on everyone the three in the living room were still fast asleep so I headed downstairs and on my way down I heard squeaking.

'Are they really fucking down here?' I thought to myself

When I turned the corner I am greeted to the sight of a naked Wesker and Chris going at it. Wesker was balls deep in Chris who was restrained with blue fuzzy handcuffs.

"Wesker where did you get those handcuffs, I removed all objects in everyone's pockets?" I ask since me and Jill have been trying to get the two together.

"I have ways of hiding things Burton." Wesker replied

"Why blue though?" I ask

"They match my eyes and they go with my outfit." Wesker says

"Okay then." I reply

I head upstairs and I go over to Jill.

"Jill wake up." I say shaking her

"What is it Barry?" She asks

"Wesker is ball deep in Chris in the basement." I tell her

"Finally those two banged each other." Jill says then grins

"I know that look what are you thinking about doing?" I ask

"I want to record them." Jill asks

"What why!" I softly exclaim so I don't wake up Brad and Joseph

"Blackmail to keep those two together." Jill replies

I shake my head but I go get her a camcorder. We head downstairs and record the rest of Wesker fucking Chris, well more like Jill recorded it while I closed my eyes and covered my ears.

When my wife came home I told her what happened and she told me that we're burning the couch. Needless to say we did burn it. I wonder what happened to that tape.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a nice day when Captain Wesker walked into the room arms full of some type of guns.

"What do you have there Captain?" Jill asks

"Dart guns with darts used for playing darts. Who wants to come over to my place and play with dart tag?" Wesker asks

"Me!" Jill, Chris and Joseph shouts

"Sure." Brad said nervously

"I'll come to take anyone to the hospital." I add in

"Alright then after work we all shower and head to my place." Wesker tells us

We all nod our heads. Right after work we showered and went over to Captain's house. Everyone got ready while I hid behind an Oak tree. Before anyone could do anything there was a scream and we all looked at Brad who had shot himself in the arm.

"Brad how on Earth did you do that?" Wesker asks confused

Brad never gave an answer so Jill removed the dart and Wesker told Brad to go wait inside. Brad ran into the house and I got back into my position behind the tree but I poked my head out a bit to watch.

"Alright begin!" Wesker shouts

Jill got shot in the arm and the lower leg. Joseph got shot in his shoulder and the back of his leg. Chris had gotten shot in the back twice.

It didn't take long for Wesker to be down on his knees screaming in pain. Jill had aimed for Wesker's nuts but he turned around at the last minute and got shot kn the ass. Joseph accidentally shot Wesker in the thigh very close to his nuts causing him to fall. Unfortunately for Wesker Chris has also shot at him but Chris aimed for Wesker's chest and since Wesker started falling the dart stuck Wesker in the neck.

"Oh shit!" Chris shouts

Everyone carefully put their guns down while I ran over to Wesker. I winced as I got over to him. The others appeared around Wesker.

"Alright lets us go in now to fix you guys up." I say and I lift Wesker up.

When we got in Jill removed Chris's darts and I got Chris to remove Wesker's darts. I helped Jill and Joseph with their darts.

"All that blood doesn't look good." Brad had pipped in

I made a face. "I'll take him to the hospital."

I got Wesker into my van and drove him to the emergency room. When I got Wesker into the room I held him close.

"He got shot with a few real darts, including in the butt." I tell the lady at the desk

The lady called for a gurney and I watched as Wesker got put on the gurney.

"How did this happen?" A doctor asks me

"He thought it would be a good idea to play dart tag with guns that shot darts that are similar to the ones used to play darts." I explained

"How come you don't have any puncture wounds?" The doctor asks

"I was smart I didn't play but hid behind a tree." I reply

My phone started ringing so I answered it.

"This is Barry Burton." I say into the phone

"Barry it's Jill, Chris is having a panic attack because he thinks he killed Wesker and I can't get close to him due to him wielding a book." Jill explains quickly

"Alright I'll be back right away." I reply worried

Thankfully the doctor left to go patch Wesker up. I walk back over to the lady at the desk.

"Hey I have to go help a friend do you think you can get someone to call my phone when Wesker is patched up?" I ask

"Sure." The lady says and pushes over a piece of paper and a pencil.

I quickly wrote down my number and left the hospital. When I arrived back at Wesker's house Chris was indeed wielding a book. I walk over to Jill.

"I'm going to tackle him then sit on his back and hold his arms together, I want you to handcuff him." I tell Jill

"Alright." Jill replies getting her handcuffs ready

I quickly got the book out of Chris's hands then got him onto the floor with his hands together behind his back. Jill quickly got the handcuffs on. My phone started ringing. So I answered it while still sitting on Chris. It was the doctor who took Wesker away and I was given Wesker's room number.

"That was the doctor and I got Wesker's room number. Lets take Chris there." I whisper to Jill

Everyone got Chris into my van and we went to the hospital but I pulled into the actual entrance. I drag Chris into the building.

"Is he okay?" A nurse asks me

"No but once I get him to see that our Captain is alright he will be fine." I reply then continued dragging Chris

We got into the elevator then to Wesker's room where I unlocked the handcuffs and shoved Chris in.

"Christopher what is wrong with you?" Wesker demands from his bed

Chris's head shot up, his eyes lit up and he turned to the bed.

"Captain!" Chris sobs out

Chris ran over to Wesker then tackled the man into a hug with tears going down his face and snot running down his nose. Wesker reached for the tissues on the stand next to him and gave them to Chris who wiped his face.

"I thought I killed you!" Chris cried out

"As you can see I'm perfectly fine. You just hit a muscle." Wesker tells Chris

Wesker return to work with some casts on him to prevent him from removing the bandages. Explaining what happened to Bravo team was fun because Captain Enrico Marini pulled out a permanent marker and signed Wesker's neck cast. That day Wesker had everyone's except for Cheif Irons signature.


	7. Chapter 7

*Ring ring*

I roll over and pick up my cellphone.

"Hello?" I say

"Burton can you come get me?" Wesker asks me drunkenly

"Where are you?" I ask getting out of bed

"I have no idea, I didn't want to drive drunk so I decided to walk and I'm lost." Wesker replies

"Alright I want you to stay put and be on alert because someone might try to rob you." I tell Wesker slightly panicked

"Alright." Wesker replies

I hang up and quickly tie my shoes.

"Wesker?" My wife asks

"Yeah he's lost somewhere in the city, drunk. He didn't want to drive drunk so he decided to walk." I tell her

"I swear one of these days I'm going to hit him upside the head." My wife says

"Honey if you did that he might lose whenever brain cells he hasn't destroyed from drinking." I reply grabbing my Samurai Edge and badge

"What brain cells does he have left?" My wife questions

"I have been asking myself that since this started. I may be back with a drunken Wesker, I'll keep him in the basement just make sure that the kids don't come down. They don't need to see him like that." I say

"Alright." My wife responds

I quickly make my way out of my house and I get into my van. I search the whole city until my headlights hit Wesker sitting down in the grass, I pull over and get out then go over to him. I help Wesker up.

"Captain how much did you drink?" I question

All I got was silence.

"Lovely you don't know meaning you drank a lot." I shake my head

I put Wesker into my van and I drive back home. I get Wesker into my furnished basement and I put him onto the couch, immediately he passed out. I checked his pulse to see if he was alive which he was. I spent the rest of the night watching over him to make sure nothing happened to him.


	8. Chapter 8

Here's a conversation in text that I had with a drunken Wesker after being woken up by my phone going off.

Wesker: brtun, wak p im 1 dryl 3 decw. (Burton, wake up I'm to drunk to drive)

Me: damn it Wesker again! Wesker: spery (Sorry)

Me: Where are you?

Wesker: var (Bar)

Me: Which bar Wesker: prwru bond waitess wit lyns (Pretty blonde waitress with lines)

Me: Are you talking about Cindy?

Wesker: yrs (Yes)

Me: Okay please don't drink anything more and don't leave the bar. I'm on my way.

When I get there I'm greeted by Cindy watching a drunk Wesker.

"Hello Cindy." I greet

"Hi Barry." Cindy greets back happily

"Please tell me he hasn't done anything embressing." I ask

The most embressing thing I have noticed is he had to get close to look at my name badge which he said pretty then went to walk away but he stumbled and knowing him just stumbling is embressing. He also broke two shot glasses." Cindy informs me

"At least you don't have to work with Wesker. How much?" I ask pulling my wallet out

"I can give lower the prices on the shot glasses since we just ordered new ones and are expecting them soon but he didn't pay for his drinks and since my boss is around I can't make them free because and I quote "Cindy. Jack is comin to inspect us this week so no free drinks!", the total is Fourty two eighty six." Cindy says

"Jeez what did this man drink?!" I question picking up a now passed out Wesker

"A lot of expensive alcahol. He grumbled something about needed to get wasted but having it taste good too." Cindy replies

I drag Wesker out of the bar and Cindy held the door open for me.

"Thank you, goodnight Cindy." I say

"Welcome and goodnight Barry, I wish you luck with him." Cindy tells me

"I need a merical at this point." I grumble but lound enough for Cidny to hear me which causes her to laugh

I get Wesker into my van and take home because Moira had friends over for a sleep over and I was not letting little girls see the drunken S.T.A.R.S Alpha Team Captain completly trashed. I get Wesker into bed and remove his sunglasses then his shoes. I walk out of his house and lock his door with the key I have.

"I swear I need a raise." I say outloud


	9. Chapter 9

Here's a conversation in text that I had with a drunken Wesker after being woken up by my phone going off.

Wesker: brtun, wak p im 1 dryl 3 decw. (Burton, wake up I'm to drunk to drive)

Me: damn it Wesker again! Wesker: spery (Sorry)

Me: Where are you?

Wesker: var (Bar)

Me: Which bar Wesker: prwru bond waitess wit lyns (Pretty blonde waitress with lines)

Me: Are you talking about Cindy?

Wesker: yrs (Yes)

Me: Okay please don't drink anything more and don't leave the bar. I'm on my way.

When I get there I'm greeted by Cindy watching a drunk Wesker.

"Hello Cindy." I greet

"Hi Barry." Cindy greets back happily

"Please tell me he hasn't done anything embressing." I ask

The most embressing thing I have noticed is he had to get close to look at my name badge which he said pretty then went to walk away but he stumbled and knowing him just stumbling is embressing. He also broke two shot glasses." Cindy informs me

"At least you don't have to work with Wesker. How much?" I ask pulling my wallet out

"I can give lower the prices on the shot glasses since we just ordered new ones and are expecting them soon but he didn't pay for his drinks and since my boss is around I can't make them free because and I quote "Cindy. Jack is comin to inspect us this week so no free drinks!", the total is Fourty two eighty six." Cindy says

"Jeez what did this man drink?!" I question picking up a now passed out Wesker

"A lot of expensive alcahol. He grumbled something about needed to get wasted but having it taste good too." Cindy replies

I drag Wesker out of the bar and Cindy held the door open for me.

"Thank you, goodnight Cindy." I say

"Welcome and goodnight Barry, I wish you luck with him." Cindy tells me

"I need a merical at this point." I grumble but lound enough for Cidny to hear me which causes her to laugh

I get Wesker into my van and take home because Moira had friends over for a sleep over and I was not letting little girls see the drunken S.T.A.R.S Alpha Team Captain completly trashed. I get Wesker into bed and remove his sunglasses then his shoes. I walk out of his house and lock his door with the key I have.

"I swear I need a raise." I say outloud


	10. Chapter 10

I was sitting doing work when I heard a crash, then I felt something hit the back of my chair then a crash. So I turned around to see Wesker had blood going down his hand and shards of glass in his hand, I looked down at the floor to see his computer on the floor behind me.

"Really." I said

He just looked at me.

"I'll go get a first aid kit." Jill speaks up and leaves the room.

Jill spend about ten minutes fixing his hand.

Those are the reasons why Wesker doesn't have a computer in the game and why there's a first aid kit bad on the wall.

How we got Brad.

Wesker and I were going though eleven people for what would be Brad's job.

"I think she would be good for the job." I tell Wesker showing him a young woman who had a few degrees.

"No I want Brad." Wesker replies

"Are you sure about that, I mean he's afraid of his own shadow." I remind him of Brad's horrible anxiety

"I can handle him." Wesker assures me

Now when I back on that I say I smell lies. 


End file.
